Loss Experts

We just wrapped up the second book in our series and have our meeting tomorrow to go over what we learned and to receive Book #3. Book #2's title is 'Understanding Separation and Loss'. According the text we as potential foster/adoptive parents must become loss experts. At first I took this as a challenge... "Yes! I will become a Loss Expert" (in my best "Super Mom" voice). But the more and more I read into the workbook, the more and more impossible that seemed. Webster defines an expert as being a person having great knowledge, experience or skill in a certain field. I personally hope that I never qualify as a true expert in loss.
Children who enter care experience many losses and separations along the way. It is really sad to me that ones so young DO end up being loss experts. They start out with the loss of their parents whether it be by abandonment, death, or court order. From the very start of the process, they are dealing with things that no child should ever have to face. Then they enter foster care. Some children end up living in a few to several different foster homes over the years. Each move means more separation and more loss. They leave behind the adults who cared for them as parents, the other children who were as close to them as siblings, the stability of the routine they learned in that home, the comfort of their surroundings... and they start over. Most will eventually be adopted into permanent homes, but many will stay in the system until adulthood and leave foster care having never officially joined a family. 

 We often take for granted what we have. We don't see how blessed we are to have our simple lives... to live with our birth family in ONE (maybe two) homes, but always with our own family. We don't realize how many children just wish they could have that.
However, the children are not the only ones who experience loss through the process. The birth parents have to watch their child be taken from them, not really knowing if or when they will be able to get them back. If they work with the agency and make the necessary changes, they WILL eventually return home, but it is a process that can take some time. If the child is returned to their parents, then the foster parents will experience a loss when they leave. Some children will stay with a few different families during their time in care. Each change equals a loss to the foster parents and to the children. 

The ones no one really thinks about are the agency workers. They also experience loss. Society sometimes has a way of painting social workers as villains out to steal our children and give them to other wealthier families. NOT THE CASE AT ALL!! Social workers have the interest of each child at heart. They don't want to see children removed from their parents' home. That is why they take such care in creating a plan to have them reunited as quickly as possible. That is the ultimate goal, but sometimes it is not possible despite the social worker's best efforts. At this point the social worker experiences a loss. The loss of the hope of reuniting a family. This family will never be "whole" again. That's a lot of weight to carry even knowing it's not their fault. And with each move that they watch that child have to make, that burden will get heavier and heavier. you would think that the child finally being adopted into a forever family would relieve all the pressure, but what you have to understand is that it brings about a different kind of loss in itself. To this point, the social worker has been in charge of the child and been in close contact with them. Upon adoption, the child will be in full custody of the adoptive parents. The social worker will fade to the background and out of the child's daily life.
The entire process of foster care and adoption is full of separations and losses that will affect all involved. God gives us hope for these times in the Bible. He offers us comfort during our pain. He is the truest Loss Expert.

'Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.' - 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

'Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.' - Matthew 5:4

'For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.' - Romans 8:18

'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.' - Isaiah 41:10

'and He shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there shall no longer be any death; there shall no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away' - Revelation 21:4

5 Comforting Psalms About Grief

'The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.' - Psalm 18:2

'This is my comfort in my affliction, That Thy word has revived me.' - Psalm 119:50

'For Thou dost light my lamp; The LORD my God illumines my darkness.' - Psalm 18:28

'Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil; for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.' - Psalm 23:4

'My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.' - Psalm 73:26

My prayer today is for all those involved in the foster care and adoption process.  I am thankful for those who bear the burdens of being the social workers and the foster parents. I pray that they will all feel the comfort and love of God surrounding them; that they will have the strength and courage to carry on in the hard times knowing that better times are ahead.  I pray that all those who are experiencing loss know that they are never truly alone, because God is always with them, and He will never forsake them.  He will guide them through to the dark and into the light of His plan for them. And I pray that through it all God receives all the glory and that everyone will know God and His works for the miracles they are. I also pray for the ministry that will come from it all as the testimonies unfold, and people tell of what God has done in their lives. These things I ask in Jesus name. Amen. 

Guestbook

Hey everyone!
     I just wanted to take a minute to point out a few cool features of our blog! We have added a Guestbook to the blog! You can get to it by clicking on the "Guestbook" tab at the top of the page.  Feel free to leave us feedback!  You can also "Follow" our blog by clicking the Follow button on the right hand side of the page. For all of the Pinterest Fans, there is a "Pin It" button under each post along with a Twitter "Tweet" button, a Facebook "Share" button,  and a Google "+1" button.  You can also share a post via e-mail or on your own Blogger blog. Just a few handy little features I wanted to share.  :)  I'm always on the lookout for neat features to add to our blog, so let me know if you have any ideas!
Thank you all for your support!
Christy

Adoption Bug Fundraiser

We are currently holding a T-shirt fundraiser through Adoption Bug.
If you feel led to contribute to our journey in bringing a new baby into our home, we will and do greatly appreciate it. You can check out our store by going to:

http://www.adoptionbug.com/laramoreadoption/

There you will see the 6 different shirt designs that we are offering. Only these 6 shirts will count toward our fundraiser. A large portion of your purchase amount will come to us to help us in our adoption. The remainder will stay with Adoption Bug to help them cover their expenses and help them to continue to offer their services to other families looking to adopt. We appreciate your support and mostly your prayers! Thank you all and God bless!

Words of Encouragement...

AGAPE of Central Alabama posted this on their Facebook page on August 15th, and I wanted to share it with all of you:

"In the past few weeks, Agape has had the joy of telling 2 couples they are gonna be parents. We've supported 2 mothers as they've delivered their babies and chose to place their babies in the arms of another family forever. Our workers gladly offered their time and attention to a foster family who was going to court to hear a judge's verdict on the future of the children in their care. One of our workers got to watch a birth family and adoptive family meet for the first time! Another worker helped find a man's birth mom after a very long search. We've had 2 sibling groups be reunited with their birth parents after the parents spent time stabilizing their homes and personal lives. We've had foster parents who have welcomed newborns. Another family who has added a sibling group of 6. An adoptive family just heard a judge say that their adoption is 100% finalized! Another family will hopefully hear the same thing next week. We had a pregnant woman call today to ask for our help in choosing a future for her unborn child. And that's just what I had time to write at the moment. There is SO much that God is doing for these vulnerable children and hurt families. And YOU are a part of that. Please don't forget Agape at your church's Agape Sunday."

This just felt so encouraging to me. Please keep all of these families in your prayers. Also pray for the social workers and staff involved in these cases. It's not an easy job for sure! But God is definitely at work... so many wonderful blessings, and we feel so humbled to be a part of this! God truly blessed us with an amazing honor when he set us on the adoption path. He also gave us a wonderful agency when he led us to AGAPE. I pray that we will be forever changed by this experience, that we will grow in Christ through it! Thank you for your continued prayers and support! We love you all!

If you would also like to learn more about AGAPE, you can go to:

http://www.agapeforchildren.org/default.aspx

Or visit their Facebook page:

http://www.agapeforchildren.org/adoption/adoptions/

One Down...

Today we had our second meeting.  This marks the completion of our first workbook. We reviewed and discussed what we learned in Book 1.  We are definitely feeling more comfortable now that we see how things are going to go with the classes.  In all honesty, the classes are really effective.  They do make us examine ourselves on all levels.  We are learning and asking ourselves questions that we would not have asked otherwise. That IS the purpose of them after all; to show us all aspects and to familiarize us with all options so that when the time comes we can say without a doubt that we are certain of the decision we make. By the end of the process we will actually be qualified to foster or adopt.  Both are wonderful routes, but right now we are still all in on the "adoption option".  :)
We were also given Book 2 to start on.  The title of this workbook is "Understanding Separation and Loss".  Our prayer for ourselves during this book is that God will open our hearts and help us to fully receive the message and lesson that He intends us to learn, beyond what the workbook has to say.  These children really do go through so much more than any child (or adult) should ever have to experience.  Even the ones who are given up at birth will still ultimately have to face the feelings of separation and loss.  The question of "Why?" as well as the emotions that come with it.  That can be overwhelming to say the least.
I ask that you join us in prayer.  As mentioned earlier, please pray that we will hear God's message in the workbook, that He will guide us through this process and give us the answers we need.  Please also pray for the children.  There are so many out there that are already dealing with separation and loss and many many who are currently still dealing with the abuse and neglect. Pray that God will give them the strength to endure it, the courage to speak up and the peace to rise above it. Pray also for the unborn babies.  God already has a plan for them.  He already knows which baby will join our family one day.  We pray that each birth mother will make healthy decisions for herself and her unborn child. We pray that the child will be healthy no matter what.  And we pray that the birth mother will be able to find peace as she makes the hard decision to put her child up for adoption and as she goes through her own process of coping with separation and loss.  We also pray for all those currently caring for foster and adopted children, for their strength to guide and nurture the children and be what the children need them to be. We know all this is asking alot, but we also know that nothing is too big for our God!

"For with God, nothing is impossible."
- Luke 1:37

"The things which are impossible with men are possible with God."
- Luke 18:27

"Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is there anything too hard for me?"
- Jeremiah 32:27

"But Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."
- Matthew 19:26

"It is he who made the earth by his power, who established the world by his wisdom, and by his understanding stretched out the heavens,"
- Jeremiah 10:12

"Now unto him that is able to do exceedingly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us."
- Ephesians 3:20

A New Perspective

Wow, it has been a busy week. We had our first adoption meeting this past Monday, and it was very informative. We received our first workbook to complete. The title of it is "Understanding Foster Care and Adoption Today". There are only 99 pages in the whole book, and that includes the glossary, but it is packed with information that has made us look at fostering and adopting from a new perspective: the birth parents.
As humans, we tend to be judgmental, and as parents we often get offended when we see others not doing such a great job at parenting (to be general about it).
We say things like...

"They don't deserve to be parents."

"Someone needs to take their kids and never let them see them again."

"They need beating (or worse) for treating their kids like that."

Remember though:

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck in your brothers eye but don't notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye' and look, there's a log in your eye? Hypocrite! First take the log out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye." - Matthew 7:1-5

"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that is may give grace to those who hear" - Ephesians 4:29

We must be careful not to judge others. We must look below the surface. It's the events that go on behind the scenes in these families that makes it hard to generalize. We must also remember that we are also not perfect. We have our own faults. We must help to build each other up whenever possible.

The four most common reasons in the U.S. that children are removed from their birth parent's home are neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse and abandonment. Sexually abusing a child is completely unacceptable for any reason, and children should never be neglect, abused or abandoned at all. Sadly it does happen, but the fact is that most parents that have at some point done one of the latter three DO love their children, and their children do love them. The children don't want to be taken from their parents, they just want the abuse or neglect to end. It is often a cycle, a cycle that can be broken.

In most instances, abuse and neglect stem from an unmet need in the parents' lives. I know what you're probably thinking already: "They need to be beat themselves". But what you have to understand is that all behavior has a reason. In many cases the parent is under some form of stress and snaps. They are very sorry that they did what they did, BUT even feeling remorseful, the cycle will likely continue until the underlying need is met. Needs can be a wide range of things. It could be financial needs, maybe the family has recently suffered a job lost that has put them in a financial crisis. The stress has pushed them to the edge and the smallest thing can make them crack. Do they love their children?? Yes, they are trying to provide for them, and under normal circumstances they would have never harmed their child. They do however need counseling in dealing with stress and anger management in addition to finding a new job. If these needs are not met then the cycle will continue.
If/when children are taken from their parents, they are placed with a foster family. It is always the goal to reunite the family in the end. In becoming a foster parent you work with the agency and the birth parents to help break the cycle and heal the family. Foster families model appropriate discipline methods and show the birth parents how to effectively parent the child without using force. Once all the needs are met and it is determined that there is no longer a risk, then the child may return home to their family.
In many cases reunification can not happen. Either the birth parents are not making the necessary changes or they have decided to voluntarily relinquish their rights. This is where adoptive families come in. The foster family that the child has been with will get first chance to adopt the child. There are instances in which the foster family for one reason or another can not or will not adopt the child. When this happens the agency will seek an adoptive family for the child. It is important to find the child a "forever home". The more times a child has to be moved and change families, the deeper it affects the child.
Many people believe that adopting a child is a pretty cut and dry thing. The child leaves their past behind and starts a completely fresh life with them. While this is a pretty story, it is far from the truth. The adoptive family's role (as is with any family) is to provide a stable, forever home for the child, one in which they will be loved, supported and provided for. Most of these children come with issues due to the circumstances that brought them into care in the first place. Adoptive parents must help the children work through these issues and seek professional help for them as needed. You must also help the child keep connected with their past and their heritage. Children who have been in foster families have likely formed friendships with other children, and it is important that they stay in contact. Most have also bonded with the foster parents and wish to remain in contact with them also. Then there are also relations with biological family members that should be encouraged as well. In some cases, they even keep contact with their birth parents.
Mike and I are seeking to adopt an infant. The birth mom will have made an informed decision to relinquish her rights. Many people would think this was am easy path, because the child doesn't really know anything about anything and doesn't have to. This isn't like the old days, where you could adopt a child, fake a pregnancy, make up a bunch of stories and/or just never tell them they are adopted. Fact is that lying about where they came from will only make it harder. Children are very smart and they will eventually figure it out, especially if they are a different race or nationality than the couple they call Mom and Dad. That or down the road, they will hear it from a random person that knows the truth and wonder why their own parents never told them and how they could hide something like that from them. While the baby will not likely come with tons of baggage to counsel through immediately. We will eventually have to answer the BIG questions...

"Who are my birth parents?"

"Why did they give me up?"

"Did they love me?"

"Is there something wrong with me?"

Of course it isn't the children's fault, but for this reason it is always encouraged to maintain some line of contact with the birth parents, so that when the child needs answers, they can get them. The last thing you want to be at that point, is the stumbling block. It will only cause friction between you and the child. Use the situation instead to grow and show your child that you have been and will always be there for them.
I hope that others will gain some insight from reading this, just as Mike and I have. There is just so much more to adopting that meets the eye. It's not like buying a baby that is yours no strings attached, and it certainly comes with more strings than it would to give birth to a child of your own. The child has a whole other life that needs embracing for the child's sake. Honestly it is scary not knowing just how we'll present all of it to our child one day. But we know that the agency will be there for resources and support and that God will guide us through it. It is, after all, His plan. And we know that He will be with us every step of the way.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

"I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you." - Genesis 28:15

"In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths." - Proverbs 3:6 KJV

"Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take" - Proverbs 3:6 NLT

God is faithful in all He does, and He will accomplish that which He sets out to do. Never go it alone, you will only meet with more resistance and more trials. When we try to go without God, He must show us how much we do in fact need Him. Like a good shepherd, He will bring us back to Him. Pray for His guidance and His will for your path, that He will guide you and make your path straight. God bless you all.

Just an update..

I know I haven't posted in a while, so I just wanted to take a minute to update everyone on how things are going.  Mike and I have our first meeting on July 16th (this coming Monday).  It's feeling so "real" now... like this is really happening!!  This first meeting will also be the beginning of a series of classes that we have to take called "Deciding Together". The way I understand it, these classes are designed to walk us through the adoption process and to guide us in the decision making process.  The decisions we will ultimately have to make in our adoption process are very important and also very difficult.  A major factor is drug and alcohol use.  It is a reality that some birth mothers DO drink, smoke and/or do drugs throughout their pregnancies.  All of which can have an adverse affect on the unborn child.  We as adoptive parents have to decide what levels of usage we are willing to "accept" from a birth mother.  We ask for your prayers for us in this.  Please pray that God will continue to guide us through all of our decisions and that we will have ears to hear and hearts to obey what God tells us; and that once our decisions are made and final, that we will not question, doubt or second guess them.  We know that God never gives us more than He knows we can handle.  It's awesome to know that God already has a child in mind for us, and it's amazing to think that the baby may not even be conceived yet!  :)  Wow, just wow!!