As humans, we tend to be judgmental, and as parents we often get offended when we see others not doing such a great job at parenting (to be general about it).
We say things like...
"They don't deserve to be parents."
"Someone needs to take their kids and never let them see them again."
"They need beating (or worse) for treating their kids like that."Remember though:
"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck in your brothers eye but don't notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye' and look, there's a log in your eye? Hypocrite! First take the log out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye." - Matthew 7:1-5
"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that is may give grace to those who hear" - Ephesians 4:29We must be careful not to judge others. We must look below the surface. It's the events that go on behind the scenes in these families that makes it hard to generalize. We must also remember that we are also not perfect. We have our own faults. We must help to build each other up whenever possible.
The four most common reasons in the U.S. that children are removed from their birth parent's home are neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse and abandonment. Sexually abusing a child is completely unacceptable for any reason, and children should never be neglect, abused or abandoned at all. Sadly it does happen, but the fact is that most parents that have at some point done one of the latter three DO love their children, and their children do love them. The children don't want to be taken from their parents, they just want the abuse or neglect to end. It is often a cycle, a cycle that can be broken.
In most instances, abuse and neglect stem from an unmet need in the parents' lives. I know what you're probably thinking already: "They need to be beat themselves". But what you have to understand is that all behavior has a reason. In many cases the parent is under some form of stress and snaps. They are very sorry that they did what they did, BUT even feeling remorseful, the cycle will likely continue until the underlying need is met. Needs can be a wide range of things. It could be financial needs, maybe the family has recently suffered a job lost that has put them in a financial crisis. The stress has pushed them to the edge and the smallest thing can make them crack. Do they love their children?? Yes, they are trying to provide for them, and under normal circumstances they would have never harmed their child. They do however need counseling in dealing with stress and anger management in addition to finding a new job. If these needs are not met then the cycle will continue.
If/when children are taken from their parents, they are placed with a foster family. It is always the goal to reunite the family in the end. In becoming a foster parent you work with the agency and the birth parents to help break the cycle and heal the family. Foster families model appropriate discipline methods and show the birth parents how to effectively parent the child without using force. Once all the needs are met and it is determined that there is no longer a risk, then the child may return home to their family.
In many cases reunification can not happen. Either the birth parents are not making the necessary changes or they have decided to voluntarily relinquish their rights. This is where adoptive families come in. The foster family that the child has been with will get first chance to adopt the child. There are instances in which the foster family for one reason or another can not or will not adopt the child. When this happens the agency will seek an adoptive family for the child. It is important to find the child a "forever home". The more times a child has to be moved and change families, the deeper it affects the child.
Many people believe that adopting a child is a pretty cut and dry thing. The child leaves their past behind and starts a completely fresh life with them. While this is a pretty story, it is far from the truth. The adoptive family's role (as is with any family) is to provide a stable, forever home for the child, one in which they will be loved, supported and provided for. Most of these children come with issues due to the circumstances that brought them into care in the first place. Adoptive parents must help the children work through these issues and seek professional help for them as needed. You must also help the child keep connected with their past and their heritage. Children who have been in foster families have likely formed friendships with other children, and it is important that they stay in contact. Most have also bonded with the foster parents and wish to remain in contact with them also. Then there are also relations with biological family members that should be encouraged as well. In some cases, they even keep contact with their birth parents.
Mike and I are seeking to adopt an infant. The birth mom will have made an informed decision to relinquish her rights. Many people would think this was am easy path, because the child doesn't really know anything about anything and doesn't have to. This isn't like the old days, where you could adopt a child, fake a pregnancy, make up a bunch of stories and/or just never tell them they are adopted. Fact is that lying about where they came from will only make it harder. Children are very smart and they will eventually figure it out, especially if they are a different race or nationality than the couple they call Mom and Dad. That or down the road, they will hear it from a random person that knows the truth and wonder why their own parents never told them and how they could hide something like that from them. While the baby will not likely come with tons of baggage to counsel through immediately. We will eventually have to answer the BIG questions...
I hope that others will gain some insight from reading this, just as Mike and I have. There is just so much more to adopting that meets the eye. It's not like buying a baby that is yours no strings attached, and it certainly comes with more strings than it would to give birth to a child of your own. The child has a whole other life that needs embracing for the child's sake. Honestly it is scary not knowing just how we'll present all of it to our child one day. But we know that the agency will be there for resources and support and that God will guide us through it. It is, after all, His plan. And we know that He will be with us every step of the way.
If/when children are taken from their parents, they are placed with a foster family. It is always the goal to reunite the family in the end. In becoming a foster parent you work with the agency and the birth parents to help break the cycle and heal the family. Foster families model appropriate discipline methods and show the birth parents how to effectively parent the child without using force. Once all the needs are met and it is determined that there is no longer a risk, then the child may return home to their family.
In many cases reunification can not happen. Either the birth parents are not making the necessary changes or they have decided to voluntarily relinquish their rights. This is where adoptive families come in. The foster family that the child has been with will get first chance to adopt the child. There are instances in which the foster family for one reason or another can not or will not adopt the child. When this happens the agency will seek an adoptive family for the child. It is important to find the child a "forever home". The more times a child has to be moved and change families, the deeper it affects the child.
Many people believe that adopting a child is a pretty cut and dry thing. The child leaves their past behind and starts a completely fresh life with them. While this is a pretty story, it is far from the truth. The adoptive family's role (as is with any family) is to provide a stable, forever home for the child, one in which they will be loved, supported and provided for. Most of these children come with issues due to the circumstances that brought them into care in the first place. Adoptive parents must help the children work through these issues and seek professional help for them as needed. You must also help the child keep connected with their past and their heritage. Children who have been in foster families have likely formed friendships with other children, and it is important that they stay in contact. Most have also bonded with the foster parents and wish to remain in contact with them also. Then there are also relations with biological family members that should be encouraged as well. In some cases, they even keep contact with their birth parents.
Mike and I are seeking to adopt an infant. The birth mom will have made an informed decision to relinquish her rights. Many people would think this was am easy path, because the child doesn't really know anything about anything and doesn't have to. This isn't like the old days, where you could adopt a child, fake a pregnancy, make up a bunch of stories and/or just never tell them they are adopted. Fact is that lying about where they came from will only make it harder. Children are very smart and they will eventually figure it out, especially if they are a different race or nationality than the couple they call Mom and Dad. That or down the road, they will hear it from a random person that knows the truth and wonder why their own parents never told them and how they could hide something like that from them. While the baby will not likely come with tons of baggage to counsel through immediately. We will eventually have to answer the BIG questions...
"Who are my birth parents?"
"Why did they give me up?"
"Did they love me?"
"Is there something wrong with me?"Of course it isn't the children's fault, but for this reason it is always encouraged to maintain some line of contact with the birth parents, so that when the child needs answers, they can get them. The last thing you want to be at that point, is the stumbling block. It will only cause friction between you and the child. Use the situation instead to grow and show your child that you have been and will always be there for them.
I hope that others will gain some insight from reading this, just as Mike and I have. There is just so much more to adopting that meets the eye. It's not like buying a baby that is yours no strings attached, and it certainly comes with more strings than it would to give birth to a child of your own. The child has a whole other life that needs embracing for the child's sake. Honestly it is scary not knowing just how we'll present all of it to our child one day. But we know that the agency will be there for resources and support and that God will guide us through it. It is, after all, His plan. And we know that He will be with us every step of the way.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11
"I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you." - Genesis 28:15
"In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths." - Proverbs 3:6 KJV
"Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take" - Proverbs 3:6 NLTGod is faithful in all He does, and He will accomplish that which He sets out to do. Never go it alone, you will only meet with more resistance and more trials. When we try to go without God, He must show us how much we do in fact need Him. Like a good shepherd, He will bring us back to Him. Pray for His guidance and His will for your path, that He will guide you and make your path straight. God bless you all.
