The Voice of Reason

I know I haven’t really written any “deep” posts in a little while, but I really feel that I need to share something with everyone. As many of you know, Matthew had an “uh oh” this past Wednesday night. For those who do not know, this is what happened. We had just got home from church and I put in a movie for the boys to watch for a few minutes while I got a few things done. I was just across the room, and I had just looked over at the boys. Matthew was lying on the couch. Gabe was playing in his Pack n Play. I turned my head and suddenly heard a thud and Matthew starting screaming. Apparently when Matthew went to get up, he decided to roll off and somehow tripped himself up and fell head first into the corner of the fireplace. Matthew got up and was running to me with his hands on his face. I pulled back his hands to see his face covered with blood, as well as his hands and arms. It was literally pouring. I have since learned that this is typical of head injuries. Nonetheless, I was panicking. Even though I know it was just me and the boys and that Mike was at work, I still looked around as if help was going to magically appear. But in the same instance, I also realized it was just me and I had to do something. I grabbed a towel and applied pressure. I realized also that I needed to keep pressure on it, but that I couldn’t do that AND drive. I also then realized I couldn’t tend Matthew and Gabe at the same time and definitely not in an ER. I called Mike, and he called my mom. Mike’s job doesn’t allow him to take off on a moments notice, but Mama was home and came right out. Prayer is very important to me, because I KNOW it works. I know God hears, and I know that nothing is too big or too small for Him. While Mama was on the way, I called friends to ask them to please be praying for Matthew. My mind was in constant prayer for my baby through it all. I literally prayed without ceasing. We took Matthew to the ER. Mama kept Gabe while I took Matthew back. I was scared to death and Matthew was panicking. The stainless steel furniture and sterile surroundings had already clued him in that he was in a hospital, a place that he is not too fond of.    I was so relieved when Mike called and told me that he was on the way. Long story short... it took 5 adults to get 4 stitches in Matthew’s forehead. It was not pleasant. It was completely heartbreaking, and I hope and pray that we will never have to go through it again.

When it was over Matthew was ultimately more concerned about his toy car that he though he'd lost in the ER, but in fact Mike had it and everything else that had came in with us. When reassuring Matthew of this he told me, "No, Mommy! It's gone.. gone forever!"  After buckling him into his car seat and handing him his lost little treasure, Matthew went to sleep for the ride home.  He slept so heavy that night. The next morning, that little nudge that comes with Matthew crawling up in the bed beside me was the greatest feeling of relief.  Seconded only by his beautiful smile.

You may be thinking, “What does this have to do with adopting?” Well, nothing directly. I always try to find the positive in everything, and I always seek to understand what God is trying to show me in my trials. When reflecting on the experience, all I could think of was my baby having a huge scar on his forehead for life. Then my mind raced to “But I could have saved him, if I’d have just been closer to him…” Then I started telling Matthew I was so sorry, and I felt as though I had let him down, and he’d have a permanent scar in the center of his forehead to remind me of it for the rest of my life.
Then came the voice of reason… These things happen. He is a BOY. He is ALL BOY. It’s a wonder he made it to age 3 without something happening sooner. I am a good mother. I was there for him when he needed me. I took charge of the situation, and I got him to a doctor and got him taken care of. He knows that I love him and that I would never let anything happen to him. I am not perfect and I can’t keep things from happening. I can only do my best when they happen. 
My thoughts turned to Job and how he was tested. Job was a righteous man that God had made prosperous and placed a hedge of protection around him. God allowed Satan to test Job because He knew that Job was solid in his faith. The devil tried to destroy Job’s faith in God by throwing trial after trial on him. Through it all Job never blamed God. He kept strong faith. While I know that Matthew’s accident is very small in comparison to what Job went through, it is still a parallel. Satan seeks to destroy what is good and to tear down faith in God. I fully believe that Matthew’s accident was a test of Satan to try to make me doubt myself and my abilities as a mother. I did not blame God. I prayed to Him for help and guidance. It did have me blaming myself, but I fully believe that the “voice of reason” was the voice of God calling me back to reality in my time of need. Our adoption ties into this in that a person who doubts their ability to parent their own children would certainly second-guess adding in any adopted ones. For that to happen would be to second-guess God’s plan as well. I think that is exactly what was in the works. Satan sought to crush God’s plan, but ultimately God showed me the truth. I realized that I am a strong person and a good mother, and that with God all things are possible.